I want what I want, but with no responsibilities, get it? Can we re-arrange the world so it’ll work like that for me?

Back in the day when we lived in Lubbock, people complained all the time. Especially people not from Lubbock. They’d cry, “There’s nothing to doooooo in Lubbock!” Which, of course, wasn’t true. I never woke up any day of my life there with nothing to do. Only boring people are bored. I’d say, “We have restaurants and bars and shops, bookstores, some of the best live music anywhere (only in smaller quantities back then,) there are parks, etc. Maybe you don’t like the weather or something, but there is plenty to dooooo.” And they’d say, “Buuuuuutt, you don’t have MUSEUMS! (Only they’d say it like, MYUUUZEEEUMS! As if they go to museums every day of their life all the time.) We had museums and some nice ones, but that’s not the point. Some people are built to complain.

I used to live less than twenty miles from the Smithsonian. That’s like living next to the Louvre. You want to know how often we went? Maybe once a year… maybe… if we had company. Otherwise, nah.

I used to work in a retail store and people would come in and complain. “We don’t need any more restaurants and bars. What we need is more stuff for families with kids!” Even though if we had more stuff for kids, they would take their family as often as mine went to the Smithsonian. And even then, they wouldn’t want to pay much for it. Times are hard! We want free stuff! But still we may not go, but we want it to be there in case we want to go.

Listen, this is small-town America! We want family-friendly, conservative shops and businesses that reflect our values! But… we want to shop almost exclusively at Wal-mart and Amazon, where the money will go to politicians and causes we don’t support. Because even if the perfect store opens, we will go there and pick out what we want, and then order it from Amazon! It’s easier that way. We want cute stores and awesome shops in the places we visit on vacation.

You see, I’d rather sit at a poker table, (or, better yet, I’ll sit on my sofa and post on Facebook) and complain that the whole world doesn’t work the way I want it to. I want to give my money to my enemies, and I want my friend’s stores to stay open without my input or help. I want a booming economy, but not one that costs me anything.

I want other people to leave their homes and families to spend months and months volunteering and planning events I will only attend if they are so cheap they will never pay for themselves. I want hundreds of people to get paid setting up, working, and tearing down events, and I want that money to benefit my town, but only if it costs me nothing (or next to nothing.)

We want jobs, but only if the events that create the jobs are so cheap that they lose money.

I want it all, and I want it now.

But what I really want is this… I want my taxes to be low, but I want everything nearby and not to have to pay for it. I want free entertainment and stuff for the kids. I want tons of food choices, but not to have to go to them except at that exact moment when I have a craving for that particular food choice. I want the perfect festival from my nostalgic memories, but I don’t want to volunteer for a full year to make it happen. I want restaurants to be open on Sunday, even if I’ll only go on Sunday once every few months. And I want them to be open on Monday, in case I’m hungry and don’t want to cook, but usually I’ll stay home and cook on Monday. I want a great variety of shops, most of which I will never patronize. I want this cool shop with homemade ice cream to be there if I ever need an Instagram moment with my children, but most of the time I’m going to buy Ben and Jerry’s even though the money will go to try to prevent the building of a border wall.

Ooh, remember that cute little restaurant we liked that one time we went there a few years ago? Why isn’t it still there? That’s too bad!

I don’t want to drive 3 hours to go see a major music act play, but I will, but if you bring that major band to my town, I want to pay less for tickets than I would have if I traveled and paid gas and expenses. I’ll pay $1200 for the newest iPhone, but I’ll use it to take pictures in Austin where the big bands play.

And forget that there is live music downtown at multiple venues every single weekend (usually with no cover charge,) because if you took advantage of that, you’d have nothing to complain about.

I want to be like Colorado. I want to whine about strangers coming to my town for entertainment, but I still want all the benefits of the money they bring. And listen, even if there are 364 other days for things I want to happen if on ONE particular beautiful fall day if I don’t like the way things are happening, I want Mark Zuckerburg to take my likeness and all my data and sell it for billions so I have a free place to complain that things are distinctly NOT THE WAY THAT I WOULD DO IT!!!

That’s the way we people are.

Not really. Lighten up. I went to the festival. It was great. Lots of people. Downtown was buzzing with visitors all weekend. It was great. It was electric. Maybe some of the shops you have never visited will be here the next time you come downtown.

I don’t read my hate mail because I’m poorer than you are.

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Michael Bunker is a local columnist for BrownwoodNews.com whose columns appear on Wednesdays and Sundays on the website.