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So, I just heard they got this total éclair going on, and it’s making people crazy. People gonna jam the roads and can’t find Airbnbs and whatnot. People coming from the Yankee places and Colorado and other states like Canada and whatnot to pull onto vacant undeveloped land and not look directly at the sun. Sounds like a good time.
They say the HEBs in Central Texas gonna be stripped of ice cream sandwiches and hot pockets. You won’t be able to find pre-cooked mashed potatoes or Buc-ee’s beaver nuggets anywhere. Franklin’s down in Austin is going to be selling baloney sandwiches to retirees. Mayhem, I tell you.
Ohio and some other states declared a state of emergency, and that’s no joke. I used to live in Ohio, and they never had a problem with it. I mean, no one complained. I think I lived in Ohio when they pretended to walk on the moon, but I don’t remember because I was a baby. Here, Deep in the Heart of Texas, for the total éclair there will be people walking around in the bluebonnets and being stung by flower rattlers and eaten by jackalopes. The roads will be jammed full of tourists like it was in The Walking Dead. There will be no Allsup’s burritos after around 10 a.m. on Monday, and that’ll trigger a national emergency crisis thingy. And that’s if everything goes well.
Listen, have I got a deal for you. I have this apartment we live in. It’s right downtown in Brownwood in the direct path of totality. In all of the history of the universe, all of life and science and God’s own sovereignty has arranged itself wherein this little blue marble of a planet has been cruising along through the dark, cold, lifeless emptiness of space, and for one brief, rare, nearly impossible moment in time, a total éclair is going to pass right over this apartment. I live on ground zero. Like God’s own X-Marks-the-spot. It’s like… not impossible, but highly unlikely to ever happen again to any other planet of people destroying themselves with smart phones and 60 oz. sugar drinks. And you can take part.
Think of it. You’ll be able to go outside and look directly at the total éclair with your own stupid eyes and whatnot, and here’s the kicker. I’ll only charge you $10,000 for one night*. We live within easy walking distance of a half dozen or a dozen cute restaurants, bars, and cute shopping joints that will NOT BE OPEN ON SUNDAY or MONDAY. Except maybe one place. Stroll the scenic streets and see all the beautiful vistas and views before turning your face skyward and burning your stupid eyes out of their sockets looking at the sun. I’ll even throw in free éclair glasses. Yep. They aren’t the science kind, though. These are actually reading glasses, but that’s all I have lying around.
I’ll cook you some of my world-famous crock pot chicken and sing you a few ballads while we apply salve to your burning, no longer functional gooey eyeholes.
This is the chance of a lifetime for you and your loved one. This is some top-notch crock pot chicken, ask anyone. They’ll tell you. I’ll crisp up some Texas Gold potatoes in the air fryer and I’ll tell you where they are on your plate because you won’t be able to see through the gauze from burning your stupid peepers out looking directly at the sun.
For an extra $5,000 I’ll sleep out in the alley, and I’ll let you have access to the bar and the air conditioner.
Listen, this is a limited time offer. I need the money, and once you’re blinded, I’ll need you to leave the apartment. Call me.
Don’t miss out on this. It’s a really good deal.
*payment in advance
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Michael Bunker is a local columnist for BrownwoodNews.com whose columns appear on Wednesdays and Sundays on the website.