This is gonna get weird. I apologize in advance.

So, there’re other types of time travel other than my kind, you know? Like this guy, right, we’ll call him Duke Houston. Duke travels through time because he has a spaceship that goes really fast. Like super really fast. I’m not a scientist, so I don’t understand the physics and the math, but the thing is that he gets going really fast in this spaceship. You follow? So fast that even though he may only be zipping around the universe for a few days or weeks or something, when he comes back to Earth, a bunch of time has passed. Got it?

This is sci-fi. Don’t overthink it.

I don’t know how much time has passed. This is just a column for the Brownwood News, not a science paper, ok? But say… Duke comes back from space zipping and some number of hundreds of years have passed. He leaves on a trip to space during the collapse of the Roman Empire or maybe he was running from Wooly Mammoth Donkey-Tooth Tigers and when he comes back, it’s the Renaissance. People are wearing funny hats and saying “forsooth” and stuff. It’s all very confusing but stick with me.

Duke lands in his spaceship in the woods and walks to the nearest town.

Duke: “ Hey sir and ma’am. Who’s the king now?”

Guy: “What?! We don’t have kings anymore. We did away with them.”

Duke: “Did away with them? So, who’s in charge, then?”

Woman: “Why… we all are. We’re all the king!”

Duke: “That sounds like it would be confusing. How do we decide things? Who makes the decisions?”

Woman: “We all do. Aren’t you listening?”

Guy: “Check it out. So the way it works is, we’re all in charge at the same time. We do the stuff the king used to do. We don’t need them anymore. It’s kind of like a democracy, but better.”

Duke: “Eh. This could be trouble. I don’t want to have to decide a bunch of things. I don’t want people asking me questions and whatnot. And I also don’t want a bunch of other people getting together and voting to take away my stuff and ruin my life Isn’t it a lot of work?”

Guy: “That’s what’s great about it. We hire these servants do all the menial work so we don’t get bothered with it.”

Duke: “What’s to stop the servants from screwing it up and taking over?”

Woman: “We made a list of stuff they aren’t allowed to do!”

Duke: “A list?”

Guy: “Yeah! It’s great. They can only do stuff that doesn’t mess with us, so we can go off into the woods and build a house and make babies and whatnot, and the servants aren’t allowed to do this whole list of things while we’re busy living our lives. No matter what. We’re totally safe in our life, liberty, and property because of the list!”

Duke: “Ok, help me out. What if while you’re out at your farm in the woods… what if the other kings all get together and decide to take your stuff and make you miserable.”

Woman: “The list! They can’t! They aren’t allowed to! The list says they can’t!”

Guy: “It’s really a great list. And they can’t do bad stuff even if they want to.”

Duke: “Hmm. Cool. So, I can go get on my spaceship and explore the rings of outer-universe-astroplane thingy (insert space words) and when I get back, all of my stuff and my freedoms will be safe?”

Guy: “Of course!”

Duke: “This is awesome! I’ll be back in a few hundred years then!”

Duke flies around in space, keeping the prime directive or some space jargon, then flies back home.

Duke: “Hey fellow king! What’s happening!”

Non-Descript humanoid: “Are you registered to vote?”

Duke “Why would I need to be registered to vote? There is a list of stuff no one can do to me.”

NDH: “This is the most important election in a generation. Quit being selfish. I need you to respond to this poll and give my candidate a bunch of money so he can spend it on ads getting everyone to vote so democracy can survive.”

Duke: “You’re kidding me.”

Other NDH walks up: “Hey, are you registered to vote? We’re reintroducing Wooly Mammoth Donkey-Tooth Tigers to the Yellowstone Ranch. Oh, and stop breathing. You’re breaking the planet. Can we count on you come election day?”

The End.

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Michael Bunker is a local columnist for BrownwoodNews.com whose columns appear on Wednesdays and Sundays on the website