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Written by John Sommer – “Dear Abby” is actually the daughter of the original advice columnist, making her Dear Abby, Jr. So the issue at hand is a fairly recent letter to Junior approximately stating the question that, once again, deals with a woman and S-E-X. Crabby has shown an obvious bias (to put it pleasantly) towards a woman’s “right” to engage in most sexual matters, especially if the male may not approve. So allow me to paraphrase.

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Dear Crabby, I’m an 18 year old female who has had a boyfriend for the last two years. Recently, he told me he needed to “find himself” and we broke up. The next weekend I went to a party and had sex with someone I didn’t know. Two weeks later my boyfriend asked me if I would take him back, and I said yes. Now I don’t know what to do. If I told him I screwed a stranger, he’d break up for good. But, if I don’t tell him, I’m worried he’ll find out from someone else. I don’t know what to do.   [signed] Deeply Concerned

And Crabigail’s bizarro response:

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are not obligated to tell him anything unless you have contracted an STD. If he can’t handle the truth, he’s not worthy of being your boyfriend. After all, he was the one who broke up with you.

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Holy hotpants Crabbington! You are now this gal’s conscience guide? When a client comes in deeply concerned about something, to tell them “you have nothing to worry about” is useless. Remember telling our three year old child that there was nothing to be afraid of when they were going to bed? How did that work out for you? Additionally, you grossly underestimate the power of having sex. You may think it’s just another “thing to do,” but you are wrong. It is a powerful physical and psychological act that yields numerous consequences. Did ex-girlfriend do this to “get even” with the ex-boyfriend? Was she drunk at the party and regrets her diminished capacity? Did she want this to transpire and really had a great time? You assume the latter, but being as she expresses regret for the act, my guess would be one of the first two choices. Your “it’s a woman’s choice” position is not the issue here, in spite of your own freed self. This girl is asking for your help, and the best you can offer is, “don’t worry about it”? Perhaps you should occasionally consult with a counselor. 

So re-reading her question above, here’s this therapist’s answer:

Dear D. Concerned,

I share your concern on a number of fronts. Mr. Boyfriend was lucky you took him back after he pulled the plug on y’all’s long relationship. Still, I think you need to consider the stability of a relationship that ended so abruptly, then resumed. As I lectured Abby Jr., you also underestimate the power of sex. Having immediately jumped into the sack with a stranger, an STD check is absolutely essential. You will be instructed to have a follow up HIV check in the following months. As you do guilt about as poorly as I do, consider waiting until you have genuinely reestablished your relationship with Mr. Boyfriend (weeks? months?) and discuss it with him. Although he will rightfully be hurt, you both have screwed up your relationship. If you have a sound future together, it will include forgiveness.

p.s. Watch out for that alcohol at parties thing. Mistakes made during times of impairment can be life altering, and sometimes life threatening.

THE SECRET ORIGIN STORY:

Once there was “Dear Abby” AND “Ask Ann Landers” advice columnists. They were in the newspapers in the same era. They were sisters, and they were even twins! Feuding twins. Yow! Both are gone, and “Dear Abby’s” seventy-five year old daughter Jeanne has now purchased the highly paid pseudonym.

A lot of people read her column. Most of her advice is pretty normal common sense, but sometimes she twists off into her world of bizarro advice. I suppose it’s understandable that she is not always on the mark, but it is the duty of advice-givers to refrain from giving improper “guidance,” regardless of one’s own personal biases.

I have noted a strange direction Abby Junior heads when dealing with women and matters of sex. Thus, when I spot a gross abnormality in the space-time advice continuum in Junior’s recommendations, I reserve the right to provide my opinion as a pretty dang seasoned therapist (rather than an heir-apparent columnist.)

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John Sommer has been a therapist since 1977 and has been providing counseling services at his Brownwood facility since 1987. John specializes in assisting clients with a wide range problem areas such as child and adult issues, family, social and emotional issues in juveniles, relationships, and depression. He also works with non-problem areas including prenuptial counseling, marriage enhancement and assertive training. To submit questions for “Hey John” please email: [email protected]

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